Curb your ‘tude
Last week, CNN posted an essay from sports reporter LZ Granderson entitled, Permissive parents: Curb your brats where Mr. Granderson calls parents out on letting their kids “ruin” an adult’s perfectly good day out.
And the reason why we’re staring at you every other bite is not because we’re acknowledging some sort of mutual understanding that kids will be kids but rather we want to kill you for letting your brat ruin our dinner.
Or our plane ride.
Or trip to the grocery store.
Or the other adult-oriented establishments you’ve unilaterally decided will serve as an extension of your toddler’s playpen because you lack the fortitude to properly discipline them, in public and at home.
And we know you don’t discipline them at home because you don’t possess “the look.” If you had “the look,” you wouldn’t need to say “sit down” a thousand times.
The article made the rounds on my social network circles; interestingly enough, many of the supporters of Granderson’s article do not have children while the more negative reactions came from parents who have children.
Surprise, surprise.
The reason Mr. Granderson’s essay resonated so much is that there are kids whose parents need to step up to the plate. Badly. We’ve all seen them. Hint: they’re the kids who are running around, causing hell for everyone else, with a parent who is may be nearby is too absorbed in their smart phone or gossiping to look up. (I see this all. the. time. Your kid throwing Legos and you’re checking your Droid? FFS, put it down and DEAL with your kid. Seriously, the Facebook status update that you’re at the Lego store can fucking wait.) Better yet, there are those kids whose parent(s) are absolutely nowhere in sight. That’s always fun.
But the essay isn’t talking about the absentia parents — he’s talking about the parents who are there and who have chosen to take their kids out. The essay reads far more like a rant than a discussion and the tone and verbage that he uses to do it makes me want to kick something. Brat, brat, brat. Offspring. It sounds like it was written by someone on childfree_hardcore rather than an award winning journalist.
My reaction to Mr. Granderson’s essay was, um, visceral, to say the least, and included quite a lot of f-bombs. The essay made no distinction between children that are tantruming because they are undisciplined little shits and kids who may be melting down due to other issues, like special needs or developmental issues. Obviously, a small child acting out in public is always the result of poor parenting and couldn’t possibly — EVER — be melting down for reasons beyond that. OBVIOUSLY. And obviously, all children will respond to The Look ™ that Mr. Granderson says that these parents with children that act out do not possess. Because, you know, it’s not like a child with autism or Aspergers can so totally interpret The Look ™. Or a speech delayed child who may not be able to express what they want so they tantrum instead.
Mr. Granderson complains about kids not being put in check. The truth is, not all parents have the same way of putting their kid in check. Some may verbally reprimand their child, others may slap their child, others may remove their child from premises. But some ignore behaviors in an effort to stop them because they understand that their child is seeking attention. Does a casual, judgemental by stander know this? Probably not. OH PERMISSIVE PARENT RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD DAY OUT FOR OTHER ADULTS.
Feh.
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On “spirited” vs. “bratty”
The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more. They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children. All children possess these characteristics, but spirited kids possess them with a depth and range not available to other children. Spirited kids are the Super Ball in a room full of rubber balls. Other kids bounce three feet off the ground. Every bounce for a spirited child hits the ceiling.
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Double the Spirit: The Little Empress & Stitch
The Little Empress is the textbook definition of a spirited child. She’s always in motion. She’s the world’s worst sleeper. She fixates on things and doesn’t. let. go. Despite her speech delay, she’s obviously crazy intelligent and hyper-observant. She can throw the most nightmarish tantrums and be the sweetest, most thoughtful child you’ve ever met… usually within minutes of each other. On a scale of 1 to 10, if your average child is a 5, The Little Empress is a 7 on a “good” day and can very well go past 13 on her worst. She’s just more of everything. I am constantly amazed at what this little girl is capable of. She will grow to be a force to be reckoned with… the catch is that The Hubs ™ and I need to be able to survive her, first.
But spirited and bratty are two different things. A spirited child can be bratty but a bratty child isn’t necessarily spirited. There’s a difference when The Little Empress is being spirited and when she’s being bratty. If she is throwing a tantrum because she needs something, the tantrum is met with understanding and helping her get through it. Her needs can range from the usual (hungry, tired, needs a change) to the sensory (needs to be spun, needs to hold something, wants deep pressure.) It sounds odd and I’m sure it must look odd to onlookers when I go through my bag of tricks to calm her. (“Want to hop? Want to spin? Want to be wrapped up like a mummy??”) Sometimes her spirited tantrums can last for a few minutes or up to an hour. The longer tantrums can be exhausting but when I meet her needs, she is fine.
Hitting, punching and willfully acting mean to others is not being spirited; that’s being bratty. Throwing a screaming fit because she wanted a popsicle for breakfast? Bratty. Hitting because she wants a certain television show? Bratty. Scratching because she didn’t get her way? Bratty. Being able to spot the difference is crucial to dictating how we deal with the issue. If she’s being bratty, she gets disciplined accordingly. No, you don’t get that popsicle. Cry all you want on the ground, if you want. Hitting or scratching? Banishment to the time out corner you go. We set very clear boundaries for TLE’s behavior. Now that she’s able to communicate better, we’re able to dissect her behavior more easily. Is she crying because she got over stimulated or needs stimulation? Or is she howling because she wants a particular toy? Just because I recognize that she’s spirited doesn’t mean I let her get away with being a brat.
I’ve seen quite a few moms label their discipline problems “spirited” to avoid admitting that they have a full blown brat. I dislike seeing parents call their discipline problems “spirited” and then blaming their child’s behavior on their “spirited” nature rather than calling it for what it really is. Being spirited or having sensory issues is not an excuse for being a brat. So please, if your kid is truly a brat, do the parents that have truly spirited children a favor and discipline your child rather than label them “spirited” in an effort to excuse their behavior rather than perpetuate myths about what being spirited actually is.
Read MoreProgress and doubt
Today marks marks hump day of The Little Empress’ third week of school. After going to school for just over two weeks now, TLE is showing some great progress. She’s signing a lot more and vocalizing more sounds. Her teachers give me an update every day on her progress. On Monday, they reported that TLE was now signing her versions of “more” and “all done” when eating. Today, they told me that she’s imitating a lot more, gaining sounds and using words like “boat”.
For some, a 25mo saying random things like “boat” may not seem like that much of an accomplishment but after nearly a year of waiting with bated breath for actual words rather than babble, I am absolutely over the moon. (“Moon” is also another one of TLE’s new words, one that she crowed delightedly with my parents while they were in the backyard over the weekend as TLE gleefully pointed up at the “moooooooooon”!!)
To the best of my knowledge, she’ll be in her current school for at least 6 months at which time she’ll be re-evaluated for eligibility. Her particular school requires a 33% or more delay in two or more areas meaning at 30 months old, she would be developmentally equivalent to a 20mo old in order to remain her class. It is a eligibility requirement that I rather she not meet — meaning I’d rather that she was closer to her biological age — though I think she will be sad not to attend school any longer. The Hubs isn’t sure she’ll be meeting that criteria in 6 months but given the progress we’ve seen in not even three weeks, I think it is quite possible she’ll meet the 20 month developmental cut off though she may not be where she should be in biological age.
She’s making such great progress at school that I have began to give some serious thought about what comes next. My initial plan was not to return to full-time work until TLE was in kindergarten. Now, I’m not so sure. She’s doing so well in a group setting that I’m beginning to doubt that being a stay at home mom is really the best for her. After all, I’ve been home for two years and I have a child who is nearly a whole year behind in speaking.
I feel like a failure as a stay at home mom. There. I admitted it out loud. I feel like I’ve failed my daughter and that the best thing to do is to put her in a daycare setting where she can thrive and learn with other little kids while I do something more productive than ruin my child. It is discouraging that as a writer, my words help put food in my child’s mouth yet I cannot find the right ways to encourage her to use words herself.
I know that I’ve been told that her speech delay is not my fault. I know that may just be me beating myself up over something I can’t control but the guilt is really eating me up. As much as it gives me joy to see her enjoying herself, to be playing and learning at school, it pains me to think that I fell short providing her with fun learning opportunities. What else could I have done? What else should I be doing? Do I not encourage her enough? Don’t I give her enough opportunities to learn, play and grow at home? Did turning on the TV ruin her? Is it because I spent too much time on my computer? Should I have force-read to her when she turned her head and cried whenever I tried to read to her? What did I do? What didn’t I do?
All I want is to do what is best for her. But now I am beginning to doubt that being home with her is best. I feel so lost right now.
Read MoreMs. Independent
As The Little Empress’ 2nd birthday draws ever closer, it seems that she is growing exponentially more independent by the day. She started walking and standing around her first birthday. Around this time, she also began to refuse to be spoon fed. Rather than fight about every meal, I would simply cut her food into manageable pieces and put them on her tray for her to feed herself.
A few months after that, as she became steadier on her feet, she began to balk at being worn despite having been worn nearly every day of her life prior to that. She was insistent on being allowed to walk and explore for herself. As she gained more mobility, she began to balk at being put in her high chair. We ended up selling off her high chair, allowing her to sit in a booster seat. The booster seat didn’t last long as she realized that the adults in the house didn’t use boosters. For at least the past few months, she has been sitting at a regular chair, just like the adults. (Unfortunately, she also insists on sitting in regular chairs at most restaurants which, as you can probably imagine, is troublesome.)
These days, she’s asserting her continued growing independence by successfully thwarting baby gates and insisting on going down steps on her own. She’s been climbing up the steps for quite awhile but climbing down them, and throwing herself onto the floor if we try to carry her, is a new thing. She now insists on being allowed to walk and explore when we go shopping rather than be content to sit in the shopping cart.
The change in her in just a year has been incredible. She’s gone from an almost excessively clingy baby who screamed incessantly when approached by strangers to this insatiably curious, gregarious and social toddler. She still has her shy moments but for the most part, she’s happy and well adjusted.
The Hubs remarked recently, “With all this breastfeeding and co-sleeping and such, she may be independent but hopefully, she’ll always know that she can come back to us.” And that’s when I remembered that this is why we’ve chosen to parent the way we have. Our goal has always been to meet her physical and emotional needs, no matter what they are. We have always sought to nurture her self-esteem, to let her know that she’s always loved, cared for and adored. The idea is that if she knows that she will always be unconditionally loved and cared for, she will have the self-esteem to explore and learn about her world without worry, knowing that we’ll always support her and that we are always here for her when she wants to check in.
And when The Little Empress begins to negotiate the stairs, she peers to the side and smiles as if to say, “Hey Mommy, look at me! I’m doing it all by myself!” before returning to the task at hand. She is not afraid. She has confidence in herself and knows that I am there to cheer her on.
I smile back and think to myself, “Huh, I guess this whole attachment parenting thing is working out after all.”
Read MoreHere’s my card…
Despite approaching 6 months of freelance work, would you believe I don’t have a business card? Uh, yeah. Smart. Actually, I did print up some business cards to hand out quickly when I did local interviews but they are pretty damned sad looking so I thought it was high time to look into getting some more professional cards printed up.
Not-so-fun tidbit: Despite working for the majority of my IT career in Fortune 500 companies or subsidiaries, I never was given a business card. I mean, I could understand the fact that I wasn’t client facing but a little card to show off every now and then would have been kind of cool. However, I will note that what was worse was the fact that I worked for two years without a name plate on my cube because my direct manager was too cheap to get me one. Oddly, our intern got a name plate just not me. (Talk about feeling underappreciated. Yeesh.)
Anyway, as I was looking at business card designs, I came across Mommy Cards. Yup, they’re just what you’d think they are: they’re cards that Mommies (or Daddies or Grandparents) can give out to help exchange information while at the playground. I would have scoffed at these before having children but now, I think they’re actually kind of spiffy. I know that when I’m out and about with The Little Empress, sometimes I run into friendly parents. It would be nice to exchange information but constantly scurrying after the kidlet does make it a bit more difficult.
I’m curious to see what other mamas think. Good idea? Bad idea? What’s your take? Leave a comment and/or vote in the poll 
(I like polls!)
[poll id="2"]
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Copyright
Text and photographs copyrighted by Michelle N unless otherwise noted.