Progress and doubt

Today marks marks hump day of The Little Empress’ third week of school. After going to school for just over two weeks now, TLE is showing some great progress. She’s signing a lot more and vocalizing more sounds. Her teachers give me an update every day on her progress. On Monday, they reported that TLE was now signing her versions of “more” and “all done” when eating. Today, they told me that she’s imitating a lot more, gaining sounds and using words like “boat”.

For some, a 25mo saying random things like “boat” may not seem like that much of an accomplishment but after nearly a year of waiting with bated breath for actual words rather than babble, I am absolutely over the moon. (“Moon” is also another one of TLE’s new words, one that she crowed delightedly with my parents while they were in the backyard over the weekend as TLE gleefully pointed up at the “moooooooooon”!!)

To the best of my knowledge, she’ll be in her current school for at least 6 months at which time she’ll be re-evaluated for eligibility. Her particular school requires a 33% or more delay in two or more areas meaning at 30 months old, she would be developmentally equivalent to a 20mo old in order to remain her class. It is a eligibility requirement that I rather she not meet — meaning I’d rather that she was closer to her biological age — though I think she will be sad not to attend school any longer. The Hubs isn’t sure she’ll be meeting that criteria in 6 months but given the progress we’ve seen in not even three weeks, I think it is quite possible she’ll meet the 20 month developmental cut off though she may not be where she should be in biological age.

She’s making such great progress at school that I have began to give some serious thought about what comes next. My initial plan was not to return to full-time work until TLE was in kindergarten. Now, I’m not so sure. She’s doing so well in a group setting that I’m beginning to doubt that being a stay at home mom is really the best for her. After all, I’ve been home for two years and I have a child who is nearly a whole year behind in speaking.

I feel like a failure as a stay at home mom. There. I admitted it out loud. I feel like I’ve failed my daughter and that the best thing to do is to put her in a daycare setting where she can thrive and learn with other little kids while I do something more productive than ruin my child. It is discouraging that as a writer, my words help put food in my child’s mouth yet I cannot find the right ways to encourage her to use words herself.

I know that I’ve been told that her speech delay is not my fault. I know that may just be me beating myself up over something I can’t control but the guilt is really eating me up. As much as it gives me joy to see her enjoying herself, to be playing and learning at school, it pains me to think that I fell short providing her with fun learning opportunities. What else could I have done? What else should I be doing? Do I not encourage her enough? Don’t I give her enough opportunities to learn, play and grow at home? Did turning on the TV ruin her? Is it because I spent too much time on my computer? Should I have force-read to her when she turned her head and cried whenever I tried to read to her? What did I do? What didn’t I do?

All I want is to do what is best for her. But now I am beginning to doubt that being home with her is best. I feel so lost right now.

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