Scare

You know that moment when all your fears that you’ve ever had suddenly come to fruition? That moment that you hoped and prayed would never happen but does?

You don’t? Good. Because, unfortunately, I had that moment earlier this evening. We were all at the dinner table, me, my sister, The Hubster ™ and The Little Empress. I gave The Little Empress some dices of ham and cheese for dinner. Cut up nice and small, like always. I started eating my dinner and looked over at TLE’s tray. Odd, I thought I’d put more ham and cheese on her tray than I saw.

TLE started to fuss and opened her mouth — it was stuffed full of ham and cheese! She hadn’t been chewing and swallowing, she’d just been stuffing the food into her mouth! I wanted to laugh but then… it happened. I noticed that instead of laughing, she looked panicked. She tried to cough but couldn’t. She was choking. Oh my god, my little girl was choking!!

My mind was going a million miles a minute. Shit, I hadn’t taken that baby CPR course — how do you perform the Heimlich maneuver? I didn’t know! I did the only thing I knew how to do. I got her out of her seat and put her over my arm, patted her on the back. The mouthful of food fell to the floor and she threw up whatever else was stuck. I held my breath, waiting for her to cry or something to show me that her airway was clear… or not. Finally, after what seemed to be a lifetime, she fussed, blinking and began to whimper. She was breathing and she was fine.

It wasn’t until it was perfectly clear that she was fine (crying with annoyance) that I realized that I was shaking like a leaf. My mind was whirling with the nightmare of what could have been. But she’s fine. She’s completely fine. Thank God, thank God, thank God!! I couldn’t move and just snuggled my little girl to me. She whimpered and fussed but I wouldn’t let her go for awhile, breathing in her baby scent to calm myself. It was okay, everything had turned out okay.

After a few moments, I had myself back together and sat her back down in her high chair. She ate her dinner as if nothing had happened but I was extra careful to make sure I only gave her the tiniest of bites.

I suppose that this is yet another milestone in motherhood though it was one I could have done without.

I’ll be holding my little girl a little extra close tonight.

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